I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
