i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
