What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
this just has baby written all over it
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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