my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
My life is pants optional.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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