Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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