i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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