I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
How does one acquire holy water?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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