You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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