omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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