I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
