Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
