I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Randomize
