I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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