What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
