just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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