im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
