four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
