Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
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i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
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You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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