Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
