I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
