I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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