I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
