Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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