i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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