K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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