God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
