his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
