He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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