All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
