next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
