i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
