We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
