Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
