I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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