Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
