you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
