we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
