the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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