ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
