Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
