it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
