i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
