I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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