Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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