now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
