I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
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