The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
