we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
