so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
