woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
