Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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