I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
