This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
