i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
