As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
