I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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