So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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