this just has baby written all over it
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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