dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
