i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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