Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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